When I was single a few years back I made a list of what the perfect man would be for me, almost as if I was trying to conjure him out of thin air. When the man from the list showed up, I knew it right away and there was no question in my mind it was him. But a funny thing happens in life – you change, people change, situations change. And my list changed too.
Finding myself single again, I set out to make THE LIST OF ALL LISTS (said in Oprah voice/roar) for the perfect guy. I kept it with me at all times and added things as I thought of them. About a month ago, I was struggling with some stuff and talking with my mentor, mentioning the list and what I want and she said, “Maybe you need to focus on how YOU want to show up in a relationship rather than WHO you want to show up in a relationship.”
Damn. She was right.
“Far too many people are looking for the right person, instead of trying to be the right person.” – Gloria Steinem
Instantaneously, I knew I had to burn the new list I’d been creating.
A couple weeks ago with our first rain of the season, I went out onto my apartment patio with my list. I opened it, read it one last time, and my Intuitive voice – that voice from within that knows the truth – said to me, “You know what you want. You don’t need a list anymore.” I crouched down, crumpled it up, and placed it in a small, empty terra cotta pot. I struck a match and leaned it into the paper, and it responded by surprising me with the vigor in which the list caught fire. As it burned I said a little prayer. I knelt quietly while it burnt into ashes, rain falling to the parched soil within arm’s reach.
|Captured the moment in paint|
I think my original list was necessary because I didn’t trust myself, my instincts, or my feelings. After all of the soul-searching work I have done (and continue to do on a daily basis), I implicitly trust myself and go with my gut instinct on damn near everything; lists no longer required. My life is hell yes or no thanks. Feeling good over feeling obligated. Speaking my truth, even when my voice shakes. Knowing that my existence is worthy if only because I exist. That I am loved just as I am.
I am working to become the woman I’ve always wanted to be, and someday I hope I can lean in and set fire to a man’s life with the intense fire that burns within my soul.
I am an Aries, after all. I'll bring the matches.