Friday, October 24, 2014

Big News

Dirtbag Foreclosure Rental House is happening! I move on Halloween.

I have been making a running list of things I am looking forward to:

Things I am looking forward to
More space!
Garage to park truck - no worries about catalytic converter getting stolen or truck getting dirty as often
Place to store all my things on site instead of at offsite storage facility
A bigger kitchen
Home office room
Backyard all to myself
A place to garden
Compost bin!
Can have people over
No more moving for a long time...
Space to spread out
A place for him to join me
Doorstep where I can have packages delivered!
Neighbors further away
No neighbor above me
My own parking - don't have to worry about anyone crossing over the line into my spot
No kids doing nefarious things in my backyard
Not sharing a wall with druggies
Having fences, not just walls
No yelling just feet from where I'm sitting
Being able to listen to music without being overly conscious of neighbors
No skateboards or basketballs in the hallway
Being able to listen to the tv as loud as I want
No stomping at all hours of the day and night above me
Not having to worry about interrupting anyone if I turn up my tv or music too loud
LOUD SEX without worry/shame (just being honest)

6 more days.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014


I found a rental house I really like so put in an application for it. On the application I had to list my previous landlords, so I emailed Mountain Man to give him a heads-up that he may get called. The reason for moving that I put on the application? "MM and I were dating and living together, we broke up and I moved. We are still on good terms." This is true. He said he'd be happy to give me a good recommendation and we emailed back and forth a few times talking about work; it was warm and kind. There was no energy around it, other than soft kindness felt for someone who had an impact on my life, and gratitude for my life today as a single woman.

After our email exchange, I realized the heartbreak of our split softened me. Soft. Not a word I thought I'd use in relation to myself.  I learned so much from that relationship as I've lived relationship post-mortem in a place of "I want to get rid of this baggage. I don't want to carry this around with me anymore. I don't want to feel this way anymore. What do I need to feel inside myself and what do I need to change to get rid of this and be a better version of myself than I was in my past?" Yes, as you can imagine I spend a lot of time in my therapist's office. I've done a lot of work in the last year to open up the hardest, most shameful parts of my past and show another human being my brokenness in order to heal it and let it go. It's hard, scary, and worthwhile as it's allowing me to become the woman I am supposed to be.

you have to keep breaking your heart until it opens

I haven't always shown up as my best self. My last relationship was really hard. We're both good people, but just not meant to be together and I knew that the day I left. I spun off-kilter for a long time trying to get my bearings after that. It took quite a few months, but in emailing about Dirtbag Foreclosure Rental House I realized my heartbreak has officially healed, which allows me to give myself permission to finally, officially move on.


In other news, I started my new gig at work last week and it is BEYOND AMAZING. I have been asking the Universe for this job for a very long time without realizing this was what I was asking for (it sort of kind of fell in my lap, which is how most amazing things in my life have come to pass), and it granted my wish. I feel a little uneasy about it, almost like it's too good to be true (but it isn't). You're telling me I get to work from home sometimes and that's ok? I don't have to sign in/out on a whiteboard like I used to? I'm in charge of my own workload? I get to use my skills and knowledge and be respected for it? The freedom is incredible, and hasn't been my experience before (especially at the last company I worked for). I ran into my new boss today and he told me I look happier than I have in a long time, and that my spark is back. When I was walked back to my office afterwards I mouthed, "I LOVE MY JOB." while looking up. I feel like the luckiest woman on the planet today.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Woman Like a Forest Fire

So the good news is I don't have to go to Stanford; my new nephrologist gave me more kidney-specific info in 20 minutes than I've gotten in 4+ years. He was cool. I guess I'll keep him.

Good news:

  • My kidney disease is as a result of an acute injury and not an ongoing health issue like diabetes or high blood pressure. This bodes well for me because my kidney disease may not progress like the other kinds.
  • I'm doing everything right and there is nothing else he recommends, except I need to drink more water.

Other news (I'm not calling it bad because I'm not judging it)

  • My kidney function is likely at a point where it may begin declining over time due to age. Most people lose kidney function as they age, but most people have more kidney function than they need. Me on the other hand? I can use everything I've got and then some.
  • He explained that my GFR could drop 1 - 1.5 points each year. My GFR is currently 40 (normal for my age/sex is 90+), so I could expect to begin dialysis in 20 years. 20 years!? They'll be 3D printing new kidneys by then.
  • My ultrasound showed that my kidney looks like the "aftermath of a forest fire." I have massive scarring throughout my kidneys and those areas will not get better. WHOA analogy.

I was thinking about his forest fire comment on the drive to work after the appointment, and I think it's an incredibly fitting description for me, my life.

Woman like a forest fire. 

King Fire damage

I burned hot and fast through the first 28 years of my life and barely survived.
I got to start over from scratch.
Like metal, I've been honed by living through the fire.
I'm stronger now than I've ever been, kidney disease or not.
The new growth that has popped up in my life is astounding considering how completely everything burned.

But sometimes you just have to burn it all down and start over.

Thank goodness for that.

Saturday, September 27, 2014


Man, the last few weeks have been crazy. I'm in the last couple weeks of my old job, training folks and transitioning to my new job, and have had a slough of medical appointments lately. Stress does not do a body good.

In addition to seeing my therapist (in order to maintain my sanity) every week, I've been dealing with another round of gastric ulcers from throat to stomach. Aside from heartburn from hell for months, it finally clicked for me when I was hoarse for a few days. UGH. I've always had stomach issues and the leading theory as to why I got sick in 2010 is the bacteria crossed into my bloodstream through actively bleeding ulcers (also kissing dirty boys - waves hello! You know who you are). 

I had an ultrasound on my kidneys a couple weeks ago (sidenote: whoa! totally weird) in preparation for an appointment with a new nephrologist (kidney specialist). I scheduled my appointment almost two months ago and it's not until the beginning of October (strike one). I would have had to wait an additional two months if I wanted to get into the nephrologist that my primary doc actually referred me to (strike two).

I fired my last nephrologist, a man who saw me when I was in the hospital (!!!), because spending time with him was WORTHLESS to me and my health. The fact that I had an ultrasound for this new nephrologist was well above any care the last dude managed to provide, nevermind getting the ultrasound imaging referred by the new nephrologist's office was a NIGHTMARE (strike three). Over the past few years I managed my kidney disease by learning everything I could about it, but I've recently come to a point where I need help, hence getting referred to a "highly recommended" nephrology practice here in Roseville. Three strikes already...we'll see about that.

I have no idea what it means and Google isn't much help

Last week I was talking with my therapist about all the craziness as of late and how I just want some answers about my kidneys, and she told me to let her know how I like the new nephrologist. I cocked my head and said, "I presume you have other clients who have had trouble with local nephrologists? The pool isn't very deep around here, if you get my drift..." because frankly Sacramento nephrologists have been beyond disappointing, if I'm being honest. She laughed, agreed, and said, "You know, Stanford is just down the road..."

So there you have it. If this next nephrologist sucks as much as the last guy, I'm doing everything I can to figure out how to get a referral to Stanford.

PS - I think it's humorous and telling that my spell check wants to correct 'nephrologist' to 'phrenologist' - "a pseudoscience primarily focused on measurements of the brain."

Monday, September 22, 2014

It Gets Better

The best thing I've ever done for myself is create a life I don't want to escape from anymore.

I hated being a kid. Those were some of the worst years of my life. I am a free spirit and want to do what I want to do, and being a kid is the exact opposite of that - being told what to do, beholden to everyone else, not really having any idea what's going on, and having little to zero autonomy. I couldn't wait to live on my own.

When I moved out on my own, I was working and going to school full time. School took a lot of time (nevermind it took me 6 years to get my bachelor's degree), and at one point I had two jobs. Life was busy. I said, "I can't wait to just work 40 hours a week! That will be the life..."

And then I did work just 40 hours a week. I had a series of jobs I absolutely hated, for different reasons.

  • I did customer service for a wireless company. I was drunk most of that year.
  • I did electrical safety education outreach and let's just say it wasn't my favorite, nor was I well liked. (But hey, I kind of met my BFF here, so not a total loss!)
  • I quit my last job after being there a few years because the stress was literally killing me. No, really. It was. See: meningitis

So I quit and took a year to figure things out. I went to therapy weekly (going on 5 years). I got sober. I determined what I wanted in a job and then found that job. I left a relationship that wasn't serving me and was OK with being single. For the first time in my life I liked myself enough to keep my own company (and still do). I targeted my next step at work and achieved it. I have spent a lot of time working through crap to find the gems, and it's really starting to pay off, which is mind blowing.

I was driving to aforementioned BFF's house on Saturday and saw a vehicle that reminded me of who I used to be and how much work I have done to change my life (and my attitude). I started crying, like boo-hooing tears of joy on Sunrise Boulevard laughing hysterically because it kind of came out of nowhere.

It felt so good to let go and just be in gratitude. To lose control and be OK with it. I have spent so many years making it all look good on the outside and can't explain how freeing it is to just let it all hang out. As I've said before, "This is me. This is my life. This is me surviving and kicking ass."

There are very few things I would change about my life (maybe living in a house with an awesome cat named Ollie and have a boyfriend...someday) but truly I am really content for the first time in my life. I have a freedom I never thought possible.

I have absolutely created a life I don't want to escape from.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Ready For Prime Time

The last relationship I was in began the month before I turned 30. He used to joke that I “just barely made the cutoff” because there’s a well-known joke that men don’t date women over 30. In fact, here’s some OKCupid graphs that represent this backed up by data from their own website:

Sad, isn’t it?

I recently saw this video titled the Hot Crazy Matrix in reference to women guys should let into the "wife zone." Yes, it was super objectifying and generalizing. He also did a matrix about men for women and basically said past a certain income point, it doesn’t matter how a guy looks. TL;DR point being, women are crazy and only interested in money. So let me get this straight…because I’m a woman, I’m crazy, only interested in a guy who has a shit ton of money, and is tall?

Hm. Alrighty then.

I have always marched to the beat of my own drummer, and I’m just beginning to understand how awesome this is. I make my own money and have a kickass career. I wear heels that make me 5’6” instead of 5’2”, and though she be but small, she be fierce. I may 33 and past my "expiration date" (bwahahaa!) but am just coming into my prime. I handle my business; I work on my shit. I piled up my baggage and set it on fire (oops, guess that's where the crazy shows), leaving it in the past where it belongs. Today I look and feel like a million bucks. I’m happier and healthier today at 33 than I was at 22, and a hell of a lot less na├»ve. And because of that, a hell of a lot more fun too.

I’m not buying into the data says I’m past my prime because this soul is ready for prime time.

And I can’t wait for him to show up and shatter the stereotypes with me.

/drops mic