After our email exchange, I realized the heartbreak of our split softened me. Soft. Not a word I thought I'd use in relation to myself. I learned so much from that relationship as I've lived relationship post-mortem in a place of "I want to get rid of this baggage. I don't want to carry this around with me anymore. I don't want to feel this way anymore. What do I need to feel inside myself and what do I need to change to get rid of this and be a better version of myself than I was in my past?" Yes, as you can imagine I spend a lot of time in my therapist's office. I've done a lot of work in the last year to open up the hardest, most shameful parts of my past and show another human being my brokenness in order to heal it and let it go. It's hard, scary, and worthwhile as it's allowing me to become the woman I am supposed to be.
you have to keep breaking your heart until it opens
I haven't always shown up as my best self. My last relationship was really hard. We're both good people, but just not meant to be together and I knew that the day I left. I spun off-kilter for a long time trying to get my bearings after that. It took quite a few months, but in emailing about Dirtbag Foreclosure Rental House I realized my heartbreak has officially healed, which allows me to give myself permission to finally, officially move on.
In other news, I started my new gig at work last week and it is BEYOND AMAZING. I have been asking the Universe for this job for a very long time without realizing this was what I was asking for (it sort of kind of fell in my lap, which is how most amazing things in my life have come to pass), and it granted my wish. I feel a little uneasy about it, almost like it's too good to be true (but it isn't). You're telling me I get to work from home sometimes and that's ok? I don't have to sign in/out on a whiteboard like I used to? I'm in charge of my own workload? I get to use my skills and knowledge and be respected for it? The freedom is incredible, and hasn't been my experience before (especially at the last company I worked for). I ran into my new boss today and he told me I look happier than I have in a long time, and that my spark is back. When I was walked back to my office afterwards I mouthed, "I LOVE MY JOB." while looking up. I feel like the luckiest woman on the planet today.