If you know me, you know that the place I go to worship is the gym. It was the place that I was able to get my body back after losing all of my muscle mass (asthenia), the place I was able to regain my confidence and my life. Because I am so competitive, I am prone to overdoing, and had adrenal issues from working out too hard on already-stressed adrenals from my illness. I had to take 2012 off from working out because I could hardly get out of bed. Being able to go back in mid-2013 was like finding myself all over again. I love it more than ever.
These days I take it sort of easy at the gym. I wear a heart rate monitor and keep myself in a safe zone that is lower than what is generally allowed for my age group because a) I'm on high blood pressure medication and b) I don't want to overdo it. Sometimes, this drives me crazy and I want to do more, lift more weight, and (sometimes) prove myself. To whom do I have to prove myself? I have to remind myself, NOBODY. That's who. I assume people judge me when I'm in the weight room. In the last 16 months I've belonged to my gym, I've seen exactly two other women in the weight room; women seem to stick to the cardio rooms. So I assume the guys in the weight room judge me harshly for the lack of weight I can lift. (They are probably thinking COMPLETELY different things than what I think they are, but that's where my mind goes.) Sometimes certain moves are embarrassing for me because the nerve damage severely limits the weight I can lift and I feel like a weakling. I am focusing on rebuilding and strengthening muscles to this day, and working with the hand I've been dealt.
My biggest motivation though? Remembering that I was in a wheelchair and had to relearn how to walk. Whenever I get down about how little weight I can lift, I remind myself of this little fact and that NOBODY in the weight room knows this about me by just looking at me. Almost 5 years ago I WAS IN A WHEELCHAIR IN PHYSICAL REHAB LEARNING TO WALK AGAIN. I have nothing to prove to others, or myself. I'm just damn lucky to be able to go to the gym...and walk for that matter.
|98 lbs and barely able to walk|
I also love a good playlist, and switch mine up regularly. (Check out the Gym link in my title bar for playlists). I recently added Nine Inch Nails' Closer to it, and between that and Du Hast by Rammstein (a little German death metal for ya), it propelled my workout into the next level. After I worked out and stretched, I put on Closer again and sat on a mat by myself and meditated. Talk about not caring what other people think about you! This chick with the wild hair in the middle of the gym on a mat meditating? (I wish I had a picture). That is a fantastic song to meditate to, by the way. Try it sometime.
After my workout, I feel like a new woman. (I originally typed good woman, LOL.) I'm glad that I have a body I love, I'm learning to not worry about what other people think, and that I've overcome adversity in my life. It makes me more grateful for what I have today.
*If you have a body, you're an athlete.