I know what I was doing to take care of myself 18 months ago. I was watching what I ate and managing stress in my life. Today? Not so much. There are no excuses anymore.
The past couple months have made me realize that I push myself too hard. And the numbers don’t lie because they’re reporting the same thing. I’d love to say, “Yes! I’m back to 90% of normal!” but actually if I’m being honest that number is 70%.
On a good day.
The reality is that there is no getting back to where I was before. That person doesn’t even exist anymore. This is my new normal. It’s incredibly frustrating to not be able to perform at the same level I used to, and it’s hard to be in acceptance about it. But then I remember most people who had what I did don’t get half of the opportunities I do, let alone live independently. As someone reminded me recently:
I have to take a step back. I want to do so many things – go out and play, go to dinner with friends, keep myself busy every night, be active in hobbies, and be available to participate in the lives and recovery of others – but the reality is that I need to take care of myself and that just isn’t happening when I am prioritizing everything and everyone else above myself.
I already say NO a lot. And I’m going to have to say NO a hell of a lot more.
I was in Cameron Park until 6:30pm a few Fridays back and someone said, “Oh good! That means you’re free after that!” What the actual fuck? That pissed me off royally. Like I keep saying, even though I look healthy on the outside managing my health is a full time job, people truly have no idea. I’m not even kidding. This is why I don’t have pets or kids – I literally don’t have the bandwidth for either of them because I can barely handle myself.
I don’t want to die young. I don’t want to be sick. But in order for me to live MY life I have to take care of MYSELF, even when other people are telling me I have to do things for them/others. Obligation feels really bad to me – it’s probably one of my top 5 worst feelings. I avoid it like the plague. I’m overwhelmed and beyond mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausted. I’m mad. I feel vulnerable and raw and fragile.
Out of the pan and into the fire…